The world has changed in April 2024 due to my father’s departure. It showed me the contrast between life and death. Since then, the two different things have been likely to lose boundaries such as daytime and night, awaking and nightdreaming, and winter and summer. This can be reflection of my feeling that I refuse to accept his death, be separated from him, and want to remember his life that was just there until his breathing stopped. Although his body stopped exsiting, his absence exsites.

I had felt anger and sorrow many time in my life, but hadn’t felt hatred so much as far as I recognise until June 2023 when he was told his terminal cancer. At the same time, I had heard unresonable and unfair actions he was involved. All darkness were brought to light, and unpacked. These two horrible news events tremendously triggered me and my emotions were massively exploded.

The strong emotions became a muddy stream and tsunami. I have made big efforts to breathe within the flow while my heart was torn apart many times. I also tried to control explosions of my emotions to follow his hope based on the fact that he sacrificed himself for others. However, it is not what I want.

I want to follow his hope in my way. This is my life. He just dedicted himself to protect others. I couldn’t save him, but want to accept, understand and digest its meaning as reflections but not regrets. I am trying many ways and keeping on doing it. I just imagine a room of my family home where our family buddist alter is placed, several times in a day. I need to take time to settle, but just praying for his soul to be calm in peace.